“Scared for the Future”, a Conversation With my Anxiety By: Lina Jaafar One day It is small, a star in the night sky. One day It is the night sky, swallowing me whole, Turning my vision dark, my senses off-
I cry.
Cry out for help, but not aloud, I go limp. Maybe if I sleep the night will pass, But I keep it alive, like a drug, it consumes me!
Some days my friends light candles, I think the night is gone, but it’s still there, Sharp, cold, biting–welcome.
I hide,
Hide from all the candles so as to not be fooled, Lock myself in a dark room and the shivering stopsSeeing every miniscule light behind the window.
I turn, breathe a sigh of relief, close my eyes, Thinking the light is gone until I realizeMy friends-they’ve broken my windows, They’ve let the light in!
Mend the barrier, scared of the breeze, Of the silence that follows, Not at ease.
Running out the door, my friends at the party, “Why don’t you have fun?” It’s not that simple, you see!
It’s not that fun having fun When your body doesn’t want to have fun! Don’t you see?! Stop following me!
I try.
Try to let go, but of what? I’m not holding on, It’s holding on, that pest I can never escape-
Even in my sleep, when I wake, My most loyal friend, Always there to greet me-
Carry It with me like a dog on a leash, But who’s on the leashIs It or is It me?!
My friends, they say, “See the colors around you? Their glorious beauty spins about you!” “No”, I reply.
I am colorblind-
I see black, I see white, I see division, I see It.
“Are you scared of the darkness?” “No, friends, I am scared of the light.”